


The Overflow

by pathogenicagent



Series: Let The Only Sound Be The Overflow [1]
Category: Steven Universe - Fandom
Genre: Drinking, F/F, Human AU, Hurricanes, PTSD, Smoking, Trans Character, Unhealthy Relationships, War Trauma, blood tw, implied sex, jaspis human au, neither of them know how to cope with their issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-06-13 20:56:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15373158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pathogenicagent/pseuds/pathogenicagent
Summary: Jasper and Lapis meet each other while seeking shelter from a hurricane. It could have been worse.





	1. In The Eye Of The Storm I Found You

**Author's Note:**

> I keep ditching my other things, sorry. This was just going to be a series of one-shots but I already thought about a lot of the plot, so I'll give this multi-chapter story thing another go. 
> 
> Just to clarify: Jasper was discharged from the army and rendered homeless for undisclosed reasons that Lapis will find out later. Lapis left her job and old life for undisclosed reasons Jasper will find out later. The boy in Delmarva is (of course) Steven. Richie DeMayo is a relative of Greg's, but I haven't decided if he's a great uncle or another cousin. Jasper is 22 in this, Lapis is 27. 
> 
> The tags will be updated as the story continues.

Since she wound up homeless, Jasper had dealt with blizzards, heatwaves, ear rupturing thunderstorms and everything in between. She didn’t often seek shelter, preferring to test her endurance even if it resulted in frostbite and heat strokes. 

She drew the line at hurricanes, however. 

It made landfall further south, but Empire City was still getting the winds at full force. The tree she typically sat under on hot afternoons was uprooted, and if she hadn’t moved in time, it would’ve crushed her. Even she had to admit she was no match against a several ton oak tree. 

Naturally, these conditions didn’t prevent a bar from being open and functioning, despite that over half of the city’s population had evacuated. There was a sign on the door that read:  ** _Shelter for the stubborn, come on in!_  **

Well, that was her.

Once inside, she pulled down her hood and shook her hair before sitting at the table with the best view of the television. A meteorologist was giving her report in Delmarva as rain relentlessly pelted her. From the distance Jasper could see the ocean’s violent surges.  

If she had a phone, she would’ve had half a mind to give her sister a call. 

“You look like you could use a drink. What’ll it be?” 

Jasper glanced at the bartender, who looked like he could use several. She only had three dollars. 

“Water.” 

“Me too.” 

Startled, Jasper turned to see that another woman sat down at her table, eyes glued to the television. The bartender left them with a nod. 

The woman must’ve come in to wait out the storm, too. The dress she was wearing stuck to her body, soaked and dripping on the floor. Her short blue hair was windblown, and the glasses she wore began to fog up. With a sigh, she removed them, following the news scroll with a squint. 

She was visibly worried. Jasper waited for it to change segments before she spoke. 

“Know someone down there?” 

The woman looked over at her, eyes so dark they appeared black. Her expression went from worried, to blank. A poker face. Something about her felt familiar, but Jasper couldn’t put her finger on it. 

“..A boy, that’s all.” 

“ _Oh_.” 

“Not like  _that_ \- a friend. ..What about you.” 

“A sister.” 

“Oh.” 

Silence. The bartender, who seemed to be the only employee there, returned with their waters. Jasper bit into the lemon wedge, and the woman snorted before taking a big gulp. She removed the lemon entirely, wadding it up in a napkin.

“What’s your name?” Jasper didn’t know if she should leave her alone or not. Surely she wasn’t pushing any boundaries - then again, she often had a hard time telling until she got a negative reaction.

“Bob.”

Now Jasper snorted.

“No, really.”

The woman sighed, stirring ice around with her finger. 

“..Lapis. Lapis Lazuli.” 

“OH!” 

Several bar patrons looked in their direction. Lapis hid her face. 

“ _What was_ that  _for?_ ” 

“Aren’t you a scientist?” 

Now she remembered. She was in an article of a magazine Jasper was flipping through while waiting for her clothes to dry at the laundromat. Lazuli’s picture was beside an article she wrote about terraforming on Mars - which Jasper knew nothing about until that article, and honestly, still couldn’t quite wrap her mind around. 

Her hair was black in that picture, and she had her glasses on. She wasn’t smiling. Jasper had the impression that she didn’t want her picture to be taken.

“ _Was_. I mean.. I’m giving it a break. How did you know, you don’t look like the sort that would get into that.” 

Jasper scowled and didn’t comment. Instead she pretended that the television caught her attention again. That was hardly insulting, compared to what she was used to. Why did  _that_  bother her? Why was she  _letting_  it bother her? It was true, it wasn’t like she was as smart as she wanted to be. This snobby scientist can fucking tell - 

“What’s  _your_  name?” 

Lapis moved to the seat next to her, elbow on the table, waiting for an answer. She was so close that Jasper can smell the rain water that was still drying on her skin. Jasper could feel the blood rushing to her face.

“Jasper.” 

“Well, Jasper, do you want a drink? It looks like we’ll be here awhile.” 

The lights flickered, but stayed on. How much longer, Jasper wondered, would that last? 

“I don’t have money.” 

“ _I_  do. Just tell me what you want.” 

Jasper caved. She used to avoid drinking - it was a waste of money and bad on her body. But lately, it had admittedly become somewhat of a crutch, when she could afford it. Lapis scooted out of her seat and approached the counter. She was barefoot. Jasper looked under the table, spotting no shoes whatsoever.  

Alright. 

Apparently, the drinks were on the house. Before long she was on her fifth, and according to the bartender, it would be her last. Lapis didn’t get anything other than another glass of water, and when Jasper questioned it, she said that alcohol made it harder to be in control. 

“Why are you getting  _me_ drunk then - so I  _won’t_ have control?” 

At some point, their legs became intertwined. She couldn’t remember if she initiated that, or if Lapis did. 

“I don’t know,” Lapis shrugged. “Just felt like it.”

Did she hear her right? Jasper wasn’t so sure, right now. If that was what Lapis said, that answer wasn’t good enough. It was a non-answer. 

Regardless, Jasper didn’t press it, only because she didn’t trust herself to make sense of a longer explanation. It’s not like Lapis could take total advantage of her, really, in a bar full of witnesses.

They talked, only stopping occasionally to listen to the news. Jasper learned a little more about Lapis’ career - well, her former career. Her mother worked for NASA, and wanted the same for her daughter. She thankfully took an interest and was successful, because she didn’t feel like she had an option either way. 

In turn, Jasper told Lapis briefly about being in the military. She liked the structure, and that everything served a purpose. She then rambled for a bit about a few of her fellow soldiers, and how the food was shit but it didn’t matter, because she thought most food was boring anyway. 

“Why did you leave? Did something happen?” Lapis asked. 

It was time to change the subject. 

“..Wanna arm wrestle?” 

Lapis raised a brow, then gave Jasper’s body a look over. It was an unfair challenge - Jasper was twice her size, and a former Marine. She wasn’t planning on using  _all_  of her strength, just enough to keep it going. Besides, she was buzzed. Lapis could very well stand a chance. 

She got her answer when Lapis gripped onto her hand. Her poker face was back.

“Okay. One, two,  _three_ - “

Jasper almost lost immediately, solely because she didn’t anticipate Lapis having the strength that she did. And there she thought that she’d have to be careful not to break Lapis’ wrist.

Once she quit holding back, she was steadily getting closer to pinning Lapis’ hand against the table. It wouldn’t be long now, only a few more seconds and she’d win - 

Something touched her inner thigh and she jumped. Lapis overpowered her instantly and won before Jasper could fully process what happened. 

Lapis gave her a cheeky grin, which might’ve been the first time she smiled since she came into the bar. Whatever was against Jasper’s thigh moved further up but didn’t pull away. 

Her foot. Lapis had her foot there, and wasn’t putting it down.

“You - you brat!You  _cheated._ ” 

“You could’ve ignored it.” 

“ _No_ , it’s - distracting, and you knew that. Why are you barefoot, anyway?” 

Lapis put her foot down, then, and Jasper already - stupidly - missed the contact. It was the alcohol, definitely. It was the alcohol that made her suddenly want Lapis in her lap. 

“My sandals broke. And, you  _let_ yourself get distracted. Shame on you. Ha, I won against a  _soldier_. Too bad I have no one to brag to.”

If she didn’t have a smile on her face, Jasper wouldn’t have been entirely sure if she was teasing. Her smile was cute. She probably didn’t smile often. 

“Your smile is like - an endangered species or something.” 

“What? Okay. I shouldn’t have brought you so much to drink. Do you even understand what came out of your mouth, just now?” Lapis slid Jasper’s glass away. It didn’t have a lot left in it, anyway. 

“It made sense in my head, okay? It just came out wrong. I - ”

Lapis pressed their lips together, and Jasper froze. Something akin to an electric shock shot through her, but she didn’t react to it -  _couldn’t_. If she so much as breathed wrong, it might make Lapis not want to do it anymore. 

Although, not breathing  _at all_  didn’t work out either. Lapis backed off. 

“I - are you okay? I shouldn’t have - “

“No, no.” Jasper pulled Lapis closer. “Come here.” 

Now she was the one who initiated it, and once they got past feeling awkward, they fell into a blissful rhythm. The bar and the storm seemed to have fallen out of existence, and the only thing worth focusing on was how Lapis’ lips felt against hers. She bit her a few times, but Jasper didn’t care, if anything she’d encourage it. This was the most thrilling thing to have happened to her all year. 

A piercing shrill made them both jump and pull apart. The sirens were going off, the lights were flickering more erratically, and the bartender along with a few others were hammering boards against the windows. 

“Alright everyone, we’re about to board the door shut! I’ve got food and water that’ll last us all a few days. If you got somewhere else to be now’s your time to split!” 

The newscaster was announcing that the hurricane was about to go over Empire City, and then the television shut off with a ping. Lapis shot out of her seat. 

“ _Why_ \- why didn’t I just  _leave_ when I had the chance - I _can’t_ be stuck in this place I have to go - “ Lapis was about to run for the door, but Jasper, in a panic, grabbed her hand. 

“Go  _where_ , Lapis?! We’re in the middle of a city on an  _island_ , there’s no time. It’ll be okay.” 

Jasper wasn’t so sure she believed that. Her heart was racing and cold sweat coated her neck and palms. It was like she set herself up to be hidden away in a bunker again, while sirens warned of danger from outside. Enemies, closing in.

No, she wasn’t there. She’s somewhere else now. This was different. Storms don’t plot. Storms don’t think or feel, they aren’t created because of hate or money or greed, they just  _are_. 

“Let go of me!” Lapis jerked her hand away, only for Jasper to grab it again. She couldn’t go out in this, what the hell was she thinking? “Jasper let fucking go!” 

She felt the sting before she realized the cause. Jasper let go to put her hand on her face, where Lapis slapped her. The other woman took advantage, running to the door and out into the pouring rain. One of the bar patrons called out after her, telling her it’s suicide, before shaking his head and letting the door slam shut. 

Jasper wasn’t about to let that be the last time she saw Lapis Lazuli. She got up and fought against her nausea in order to run after her, but was stalled by the bartender. Now she noticed his name tag: R. DeMayo. 

“Look, I get wanting to go after your girlfriend and all, but there’s no way you’d catch up in the state you’re in. It’ll be a waste to risk your own skin. She might be alright - please, ma’am, sit down - “ 

“I’m not going to hide away and let her die.” Jasper pushed past him. Bile was building in her throat. The room was spinning. It didn’t matter. She wasn’t going to let someone get killed  _again_ because she wasn’t there to intervene. 

Thunder shook the building, and for a moment she swore it sounded like a bomb. The rain hitting the windows were bullets. As if it wasn’t bad enough - she was freaking out again. At the worst possible time,  _again_.

Something dripped from her chin, and she reached to touch it. Her finger came back red. 

Blood. It was just a little blood, it wasn’t a big deal, she’s just bleeding because Lapis bit her lip. It’s nothing to get worked up about. 

“Whoa, someone get her a chair!” 

She was led to a chair and given bottle of water. Jasper’s legs ached.  _Everything_ ached. There was no good enough reason for her not to be able to stand, and yet, she couldn’t. 

The lights went out, and so did she. 

 

**

 

They were all stuck there for three days. The DeMayo guy - Richie, he said his name was - had everyone go to a more secure room where there were no windows. They huddled in the dark, living off of canned food and granola bars until they had to relocate when that floor began to flood. Then they went to the second story, then the third. 

When it looked like the hurricane reached its end, they went onto the roof. While the rest tried flagging down a helicopter, Jasper debated on jumping, only to ultimately decide against it. 

Richie sat next to her on the helicopter when they all eventually got rescued. She couldn’t look at the damage below, already imagining bodies being dragged along by the current, getting caught in debris. Lapis was probably among them, the idiot. 

“Hey, do you got any family that would be missing you?” Richie wasn’t looking outside, either. Instead, he was focused on Jasper, which made her uneasy.

“Not really.” 

There was a reason why she and her sister weren’t around each other. There was a reason why Jasper stayed alone. 

“..I served too, ya know. Not saying we gotta talk about it. Just saying - I get it. It’s rough. One word of advice, talk to someone about it. It did me a lot a good.” 

Somehow, this bit of information about him didn’t surprise her any.

“Thanks.” But no thanks. 

 

**

 

Jasper didn’t mind Keystone. She found a job at a gym, and an apartment that wasn’t infested with anything. She even bought a phone.  _Possibly,_ she gained afriend - a technician that worked at the computer store across the street from the gym. They weren’t exactly kind to one another, but they hang out every Friday anyway.

It had been about three months since the hurricane hit, and according to the news, the east coast was on a steady recovery. With every sad story, there were a couple of good ones with bittersweet endings.

She didn’t have to contact Amethyst to know that she was okay - she was interviewed along with a few others from Beach City. Of course, she made the storm sound like a blast, even providing them with her own sound effects to describe the event properly. They censored out a lot of it. 

Lapis, she heard nothing from, and she shouldn’t care, either. She was just some random woman she met at a bar, made out with, got slapped by, and was destined to never see again. She probably just used Jasper as entertainment - a way to distract herself for awhile, before having to face the reality they were in.

She  _had_ to get over it - over  _her_ \- or it’ll drive her insane. 

After shoveling down eggs and sriracha, Jasper ran to work. She clocked in and was getting ready to unlock one of the rooms for use when a co-worker tapped her shoulder.

“A  _girl_ asked about you last night after you left. Wanted your number. Of course I didn’t give it to her, but she wrote down hers - said to call her. You’ve got an  _admirer_.” 

A girl? 

“Show me.” 

He handed over a slip of paper with the digits on it, signed,  _LL_. 

 _ **LL**_. 

“ _Oh my god_.” 

“What? Is she bad news? Is she  _good_ news? Wait! Where are you going?” 

Jasper grabbed her phone out of her gym bag and went outside, typing, fucking up, then having to retype, the number. It rang, and rang, and rang. 

“Come on, come on, answer the phone.” 

“Hello?” The voice on the other end sounded tired, but familiar. 

“Lapis?” 

No response, but she heard breathing. What if this wasn’t who she thought it was? She’d lose it. She’d break the phone and never get another one and never get her hopes up ever again. God will she just  _say something_  - 

“Hey.” 


	2. Taking It Uneasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis is having trouble adjusting to her new life.

Lapis woke up with goosebumps and a sore hip – the latter caused by Jasper, when she accidentally elbowed her at some point in her sleep. She could argue that the former was Jasper’s fault too, since she wasn’t there to warm her up herself.

She wrapped herself up in the comforter and stared at the clock until it was noon, then reluctantly pushed herself out of bed. After she showered, Lapis dug around for something she’d actually  _enjoy_  eating, and settled on popcorn when all she could find was – in her opinion – overly spicy food and leftover pizza with toppings that quite frankly should never go together. In nothing but a towel, she sat on the loveseat and turned on the little box TV.

Jasper’s apartment was too small. It would surprise Lapis more that Jasper tolerated it, considering her size, if she was ever fucking  _home_  long enough for it to matter. Maybe she’d like it more, if her girlfriend was there with her. 

It wasn’t often Lapis sought people out, but she did it, for Jasper. The woman at the bar she couldn’t stop thinking about once the floodwaters cleared. She told herself she was searching just to make sure she was okay. 

After all of that trouble, it led to a few weeks of "passion," then two months of sitting alone in the apartment while Jasper worked. She was bored.  _Restless_. This was settling and Lapis wasn’t happy with it. 

She knew she was being unfair. Life had to go on, they weren’t teenagers. In order to afford  _any_ food or  _any_ apartment, someone had to make consistent pay. Lapis had money from back when she was a somebody, but her travelling and purchases soaked up a significant portion of her earnings. 

With a sigh, she checked her phone for messages. None from her mother, who wasn’t likely to ever speak to her again, or Jasper, who only let herself check her phone three times while at work.  But, there was one from Steven. A picture, actually - he had a big, toothy smile and was holding up a tape of Camp Pining Hearts. The caption said: ‘ _come visit soon! we can marathon it together!’_

What a dork. 

She sent  _‘we’ll see’_ then texted Jasper.

‘ _i’ll take you out for dinner if you leave work half an hour early._ ’

Naturally, it took until two episodes of the show she was watching to end before Jasper responded. 

 _‘I can’t._ ’ 

Lapis huffed. Could they not let her off early for  _one_ day? She worked hard enough, and long enough. In fact, she overachieved. 

‘ _can’t or won’t?_ ’ 

‘ _What difference does half an hour make anyway?_ ’

Why did she always have to argue? She wanted to do something nice with her, and all she asked for was an extra thirty minutes. 

 _‘fine, don’t. i don’t care._ ’ 

Of course she did. Probably too much. But she was starting to feel like she came second to Jasper’s routine, and was only there to keep her bed warm. She felt..  _used_. The thought of that made her grit her teeth. 

‘ _Obviously you do.’_

‘ _so what, what difference does it make?_ ’

Jasper didn’t reply to that. Lapis turned off her phone after an hour, and being slightly embarrassed by her own actions wasn’t enough for her to turn it back on.

At some point she fell asleep, and awoke with a jump when the front door swung open. Jasper was holding paper sacks, which was where Lapis assumed the strong smell of meat and sautéed fruit was coming from. Jasper gave her a look over and smirked.

“Not that I’m not enjoying the view, but you should probably put something on. Unless you didn’t want to eat out after all.” 

Her towel was on the floor. Lapis shivered, then put on a frown that probably wasn't convincing enough for Jasper to believe.

“Shut up.” 

 

***

 

When Lapis mentioned going out to eat, she didn’t have the park in mind. She wasn’t going to complain though - at least, not  _too_ much. 

Jasper did end up leaving work early, and along with ordering a bunch of food from an Afghan restaurant Lapis liked, she bought a blanket to sit on while they ate. It was a relatively expensive last-minute decision. 

While she was undeniably happy, how it came to be made it all a little less than stellar. She wasn’t entirely sure if she regretted it. 

“Will you ever wear shoes again?” Jasper pointed at Lapis’ feet. “You do realize that we couldn’t have gone to a restaurant unless you wore shoes, right?”

“Shoes feel confining.” It wasn’t like Lapis wouldn’t have worn them if she had to, but what’s the point if she  _didn’t_ have to? Jasper stomped around in combat boots, if not her running shoes. Lapis didn't get it. 

“Your  _flip flops_  are confining?” 

“Does it  _bother_ you, that I don’t wear shoes?” Jasper looked surprised by the question. Almost offended. Lapis held back a laugh, thinking it wasn’t worth making any face over, but took a bite off of her kebab instead.

“No, just curious.” 

“Ah.” 

She leaned against Jasper’s side and held onto her hand. They were callused, of course. Lapis told her that they should do something to get rid of them, but Jasper didn’t want to because it ‘showed that she was a hard worker.’ 

 _Work_. Lapis sighed. She’d rather not bring it up again, but it was weighing on her. 

“Look, about your job - “ 

“I cut my hours.” 

That would’ve normally been her cue to tell Jasper not to interrupt her, but she was rendered speechless. Jasper didn’t sound thrilled.  _Defeated_ would be a better description. When she saw Lapis staring at her, she shrugged.

“Not a lot. I just go at eight now and leave at four.”

“Oh.” Lapis didn’t know whether to be pleased with this or not. It was what she wanted, but should she be ashamed for wanting it? Really, that sounded like a normal work day for the average person. Jasper wasn't average. 

“Well.. this could be good for you. You overwork yourself.”  

Jasper grunted, probably in disbelief, but squeezed her hand before finishing the rest of her food. Lapis watched the leaves fall around them. Summer was reaching its end. 

 

***

 

“Why do you dye it?” 

Jasper raked her hand through Lapis’ hair. She was tired, and Lapis didn’t need to hear a yawn or see her eyes droop to know. Of all things, it was sex that wore Jasper out without fail, even if they didn’t do anything that strenuous. 

“Why does anyone dye their hair?” 

“Give me a real answer.” 

Lapis stuck her tongue out and draped one of her arms over Jasper’s side. There was a scar there that Jasper never talked about, and Lapis hadn’t asked.

“I just like how it looks. And as a bonus, my mother would hate it.” Her mother hasn’t seen it -  _her_  - in almost a year. Lapis was done trying. She got the message loud and clear. 

“So rebellious.” Now Jasper was tracing the birthmark on her back, which she often did, once Lapis stopped swatting her hand away. Like everyone else, Jasper told her that it look like a pair of wings with a tear drop in the middle. Lapis thought it was funny, in a twisted way. 

“Unlike you, who follows the rules all the time.” Lapis poked Jasper’s nose. 

“Not  _all_  the time. It depends on who made the rules.” 

“I guess that’s true, because you don’t really listen to me.”  

“Hey,  _what_  exactly did I do today?” Jasper’s phone buzzed before Lapis could comment. Thank god, or, whoever send her a text. She didn’t want to discuss that anymore.

“Oh, yeah. Tomorrow’s Friday.” It must’ve been Peridot then. Lapis still hasn’t met her, and wasn’t sure if she wanted to, judging by Jasper’s description of her. 

“She’ll get over it.” Jasper set her phone back down. 

“Get over what?” 

Lapis got a kiss instead of an answer. She was in just a good enough mood to let it slide. 

 

***

 

_The door won’t open. Who locked the fucking door? Why isn’t anyone coming back, can’t they hear her screaming? There’s no vents, no windows. The only way out is the fucking door. It’s freezing. It’s dark. If she didn’t die in here, the bastards who did this to her are fucked. Don’t they know who she is?_

_Of course they do. That’s probably why they did this. This wasn’t an accident._

_She can barely see, it’s like the walls are closing in on her. Goddamn it, will someone please help her?!  
_

_“Let me out! Let me out! Let me - “_

“Out!” 

Lapis shot up in a cold sweat. Her chest ached, and no amount of air she was taking in seemed like enough. When her vision adjusted, she remembered where she was. She was fine. It’s over. It’ll just take her whole life to feel like it.

Jasper turned towards her, but didn’t appear to be awake. Lapis moved a strand of hair out of Jasper’s face, then slipped out of bed.

It was ten past five. Shouldn’t Jasper be on a run? Her phone lit up, but didn’t sound its alarm. It must’ve been put on snooze. She walked over and peered down at it, seeing a text from Peridot that was sent hours ago. 

‘ _you still didn’t tell me why you canceled on me, you jerk!_ ’ 

Lapis bit her lip and went into the bathroom. The sky was just bright enough outside for her to see her reflection without turning on the lights. Her hair needed to be dyed and cut again. The bags under her eyes shouldn’t be there, not when she slept so much. 

She pointed at herself in the mirror, scowling. 

“Stop being a bitch.” 

The person Lapis listened to the most was herself, and yet, she doubted that her future self would listen to that command. 

Lapis turned on the water and splashed her face. There was no way she could go back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the pizza is square. 
> 
> They'll get less fluffy as time goes by (if you can call this fluffy). 
> 
> I don't think I like this chapter's name. May change it later.


	3. A Change In Scenery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper needs structure, while Lapis needs change.

Jasper lasted two and a half weeks before changing her schedule back. None of her coworkers were surprised. Lapis wasn’t either. But this had nothing to do with the “problem” she supposedly had with working herself too hard. No. This was out of  _necessity_. Money was tight. Rent went up, bills had to be paid, and there were two mouths to feed. She wasn’t going back to scraping by. 

She made sure to stay busy. After training a couple in boxing, she helped a coworker with his martial arts class - although, he told her later that she more or less  _took over_ , rather than helped. Apparently she acted like she “owned the place.” 

Whatever. It got done, and done  _well_. He probably even learned a thing or two.

Instead of taking a lunch break, she cleaned and put away equipment that was left out for others to carelessly trip on. Even the  _gym_ couldn’t completely cure laziness, it seemed. Her taking a couple of hours off a day obviously impacted everyone’s motivation - at the very fucking least they picked up after themselves, when she was there to enforce it. It was like they were  _children_. 

While Jasper filled up her water bottle, she heard a knock behind her.

“Hey Jas, I know it’s a long shot, but tonight we were all gonna go out and celebrate Beryl’s birthday. Want to go?” Dan, the Pilates instructor, stood in the doorway, arms crossed. The fluorescence did him no favors, making the already pale man difficult to look at. Jasper pretended to shield her eyes.

“..No.” 

“Was that  _hesitation_ I heard?” 

“ _No_. It wasn’t. I’ll wish her a happy birthday before I leave.” It didn’t matter if she  _wanted_ to go, she couldn’t. There was too much going on, and the last thing she needed was to blow money on a social gathering she didn’t even have to attend. 

“Come on, you can bring  _Laaapis_. I haven’t seen her since that  _fateful_  day, you know.” He went to stand beside her, like getting closer would change anything. Dan took it upon himself to remind Jasper once in awhile that, without him passing along Lapis’ message, they may have never gotten together. He was the “matchmaking” sort, and an incredibly proud one at that. It was annoying. 

“No.” 

“Why, did you guys break up?”

“ _NO,_  asshole. She’s not a people person. Right now, neither am I.” She took a few harsh gulps of water, giving him some time to get the message through his head. 

“Alright, fine. I just thought you could use a night out is all. You’ve been really tense lately - well, more than  _usual_.” He threw his hands up in defeat. 

Was she really letting it show? Fuck. 

“I’m not  _tense,_  I’m preoccupied _._  ..Thanks anyway.” Jasper nudged past him to get to the locker room down the hall. Even if she  _was_  prone to sharing her daily qualms with others, this particular issue wasn’t worth discussing. Money trouble, who didn’t have that? It could be resolved, if she just kept herself going. 

Jasper checked her phone before stepping in the shower. A few messages from Peridot, pleading with her to at least show up that coming Friday to play some new game she bought. Nothing from Lapis. 

That was odd. Lapis normally sent her  _something_  by the afternoon, even if it was just to request a snack run before she came home. 

‘ _Are you okay?_ ’ Jasper waited a couple minutes for a response, then proceeded to shower when nothing popped up. Anxiety was building in her chest. She couldn’t let herself lose it. There wasn’t a good enough reason to, and even if there  _was_ , letting herself give into panic did nothing but cause more problems.

When her mind started wander where it shouldn’t, Jasper turned the temperature to freezing. 

“Chill out, why don’t you.” She laughed to herself. It was lame, oh well. No one else was there to hear her. 

Her phone chimed from the bench. Jasper quickly rinsed the soap off her body and shut the water off before grabbing her phone with a damp hand. Lapis sent a thumbs down emoji. No words. 

“Great.”  _Useful_ , Lapis, as always. Jasper dried off hastily and slid on a pair of jean shorts and a tank-top. Underwear be damned, the day was over and she was leaving. She made sure to shout “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” loud enough for Beryl to hear, wherever she was, before storming out of the gym.

The walk from her work to the apartment didn’t usually take long, but with the pressure to return home, it felt like every step forward took her two steps back. Moments like this had her consider renewing her license. But cars cost money. Rent and food came first. Maybe she should ration more to save - eating was more like a chore for her. Fuel, or occasionally to rid herself of boredom. It wouldn’t be a major loss to cut back. 

Once home, Jasper was immediately met with the smell of tobacco. The living room was in a haze, and at the center of it all was Lapis, lying on the couch with a cigarette in hand. The pack she spotted on the table was almost empty. 

“Lapis! You know you can’t fucking smoke in here! What happened to waning off?!” Jasper grabbed the cigarette out of Lapis’ hand and stubbed it out in the ashtray. Lapis defiantly reached for another one, so Jasper threw the pack across the room.

“What the  _hell_ , Jasper - “

“Are you seriously going to go off on  _me_? Do you  _want_  us to get kicked out?” Lapis normally smoked in the gazebo in front of the apartment complex. She once said she found it relaxing there. What the fuck was going through her head? 

“This place sucks anyway!” Lapis got to her feet, glaring up at Jasper. Her hands were shaking, but she didn’t tear up. She never teared up. Jasper’s eyes, on the other hand, were starting to sting. It was pathetic. Completely unwarranted. 

“Then why are you still here? It’s not like I’m not holding you captive,  _Lazuli_.” 

Lapis walked over to where her cigarettes landed and stared down at them, as if she was debating on picking them up or leaving them. Jasper leaned against the wall, rubbing her eyes before any tears could fully form. The smoke made her throat itch, causing her to cough. 

“..I know you’re not.” 

Then why was Lapis acting like she was? This was it, wasn’t it. What brought it on? Jasper taking her hours back? What did she do wrong? Things were okay, at least  _enough_ , a week ago. 

Jasper watched as Lapis finally picked up the pack and set it down on the table. Everything seemed to have been moving so fast, and now it was painfully slow. Lapis scowled. Instead of taking out another cigarette, she walked into the kitchen and poured herself some water. 

“You know, it’s not even the landlord blowing a fuse that I’m concerned about.” Well, not entirely. “I read that it’s dangerous to take estrogen pills while smoking. Did they  _know_ you smoked before prescribing that stuff?” 

“ _Ugh_. Must you know  _everything_?” 

“Would you rather I not care at all? I  _wish_.” She couldn’t believe Lapis was complaining because she gave a shit. Jasper even kept herself from asking too many questions, seeking out answers on her own, all so she wouldn’t  _annoy_ Princess Lazuli further. Fuck that. Let her be annoyed. 

“They’re more convenient. Not that it matters, I’m going to run out soon enough, anyway. I don’t have the money to get more.” 

“ _Then get a job_.” Wasn’t that the obvious solution? Jasper understood that things went south for Lapis, and it sucked. But dwelling on it will eat her alive. “You’ll have to sooner or later.” 

“You were honorably discharged, weren’t you? You have benefits. Why the hell aren’t you using them?” 

Jasper’s face burned. 

“ _Because I don’t need their help!_ ” Her fist hit the wall before she could think it through. She winced when she saw the damage. No hole, but a dent that the landlord would definitely notice. Which meant, just another thing to pay for. Her hand throbbed. 

Lapis had taken a few steps back, clearly startled. Jasper bit her lip and turned away. She didn’t know how to explain in a way that would make Lapis understand. Self reliance would just be seen as unnecessary stubbornness, or even stupidity. Jasper just ..didn’t do hand outs.  _Couldn’t_. No fucking way. 

“..I’m leaving.” 

Jasper’s heart sank. Not like this. 

“ _Lapis_ , w _ait_ - “ 

“I’ll be back. I just want to be alone for awhile.” Lapis grabbed her bag from their bedroom. Before heading out the door, she pointed to Jasper’s hand, already starting to bruise. “Put ice on it.” 

When the door slammed shut, Jasper slid to the floor and put her head in her hands, letting out a scream. 

 

***

 

Peridot came over an hour after Lapis left, at Jasper’s request. She griped, naturally - “it isn’t  _Friday_ ” - but had no issue making herself at home by raiding her cabinets and throwing her shoes in the middle of the living room floor. 

She brought a joystick to plug into Jasper’s “ancient, barely adequate” TV, since she  _apparently_ knew that Jasper would be unequipped to handle a “more advanced” game, thus, came prepared. They always did this at Peridot’s house. Jasper could barely admit it to herself that she wanted to stay in the apartment in case Lapis came back.

“..Is something wrong?” Peridot asked, mouth full of chips. Jasper grimaced. 

“Let’s just play.” 

It was a fighting game, and it was a pain in the ass. Jasper’s player could shoot forward, demolishing everything in his path, which was awesome. But Peridot’s player used his fingers like propellers to fly away from every attack, which was infuriating.

A heated exchange ensued, as it usually did. If the rocks, trees and barrels weren’t  _fucking_ programmed into the  _fucking_ background, Jasper could’ve used them to knock Peridot’s  _stupid ass_  player out of the  _fucking_ sky. Peridot claimed -  _wrongly_ \- that Jasper’s aim probably sucked anyway. She laughed, convinced she would soon taste victory.

Jasper cut her overconfident cackling short by ramming Peridot’s player into a mountain, then was met with a rant so loud that the neighbors shouted at them to keep it down.

It wasn’t until Peridot left to go to the bathroom that Jasper fully remembered why she had her come over in the first place. She got up to look at her phone, and was disappointed but not surprised to find that Lapis hasn’t sent anything. 

Her chest ached. 

“Hey, I’m ordering pizza. And  _I’M_  picking the toppings. I  _refuse_ to eat anchovy and jalapeño, or any other twisted concoction you’d come up with!”  

“Okay.” 

“Oh.. _Okay?_  You’re not going to call me a wuss?” 

Jasper set the phone down. She wasn’t going to contact her. Not yet. Peridot was giving her a puzzled expression, eyes squinting. Her ashy blonde hair was in disarray after pulling it multiple times in frustration. Later Jasper was sure to find clumps of it on the carpet. 

It was hard to believe this woman was in her twenties. 

“You  _are_ a wuss. And I’m not. Which is why I’ll suffer through whatever you’re going to choose.” It’s no mystery. It’ll be pepperoni.  _Just_ pepperoni. Boring. It didn’t matter, though. She didn’t have an appetite.

 

***

 

It was well past midnight, and Jasper was still awake. She allowed Peridot to stay longer, which meant every once in awhile she’d hear an inhuman screech from the other room when she was defeated by an enemy. That wasn’t why she couldn’t fall asleep. She’s slept through worse. 

Jasper foolishly stared at the clock. Midnight turned into one. One turned into two. She felt like she was going to hurl. 

Once she thought she couldn’t stand waiting anymore, convinced that Lapis got herself killed or simply ran away, she heard a creak from the apartment door opening. The music from Peridot’s game went silent. 

“Hello.” It was Lapis. Jasper forced herself to stay where she was. 

“Hi. Uh, sorry, Jasper invited me over.” Oh great,  _this_ was how they were going to finally meet. 

“I see. You’re eating my chips.” 

“I am!? Sorry. I - I’ll just. Go. Yeah, um.” A lot of shuffling followed, and then a thump. Then an “ow.” Normally she would’ve found Peridot’s clumsiness humorous, but right now it was a little mortifying. 

“Bye!” The door shut, so roughly that the apartment shook. The neighbors probably loved that. 

The light in the bathroom was turned on, followed by the sound of Lapis brushing her teeth. Then it shut off, throwing the bedroom back into semi-darkness. Jasper didn’t move, even when she could feel Lapis get in bed beside her. 

Lapis let out a shaky breath, then wrapped her arms around Jasper’s middle and intertwining their legs. If Lapis noticed Jasper’s involuntary jolt, she didn’t show it. After some time passed, Jasper felt a light kiss on her upper back. She didn’t understand, but felt relief nonetheless.

Jasper fell asleep, finally, with ease.

 

***

 

“You didn’t ice it.” 

Her eyes opened, then strained against the brightness in the room. The sun was pouring through the blinds - the  _mid-morning_  sun. Jasper shot up in a panic. 

“Shit, I’m late!” 

“Relax.” Lapis pushed her back down and straddled her before Jasper could try again. “I called and told them you can’t come in today.” 

“What?  _Why?_ ” Jasper didn’t  _get it_. In fact, she didn’t get anything that went on in the past twenty four hours. “Why would you  _do_ that?” 

“I’m getting ice. I’ll explain in a minute.  _Stay there_.” 

Jasper watched Lapis walk out of the room, arms raised in bewilderment. She sat up and rubbed her temples - there  _better_  be a good explanation for this. Whatever was going on, she just couldn’t keep up with it. Every time she thought she had  _something_ figured out, she was thrown through another loop. 

Lapis returned with an ice pack as well as a cup of coffee, and gave Jasper the cup while she grabbed her other hand to apply the ice. It hurt more than it did the night before. The bruises were much darker, harder to deny. 

“..Well?” Jasper took a sip, hesitantly. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to be alert enough for whatever conversation they were about to have. What she  _wanted_ didn’t matter, though. She  _needed_ to be present.

“I applied to a job in Granite. There’s a pretty good chance that I’ll get it.” 

Granite? Jasper tried to think if there were any towns in Keystone named Granite, because surely, Lapis wasn’t referring to the state that was seven hours away. 

“When did you do this?” 

“At the library, last night. There’s a science center looking for someone who knows about planetary engineering - I’ll teach visitors about what I know. Answer questions, use a projector. All of that. They called me earlier, after they saw my name on the application - I just need to show up for a proper interview.” 

“..In Granite.” 

“Yes.” Lapis looked down at her hands, rather than at Jasper. “I need a change of scenery.” 

“Oh.” So what, was this Lapis’ way of saying goodbye? Why couldn’t she just say so, instead giving Jasper all of this other information first? Dragging it out only made it more agonizing.

“Then by all means, change your scenery.” Jasper stood up and left the bedroom, not wanting Lapis to look at her. Her eyes were stinging again, dammit. She needed to preoccupy herself. 

Jasper decided on dishes. After that, she’d clean up the mess Peridot made in the living room, which required a vacuum, judging by what she saw. Then she’d run, and run, and run, until her legs gave out completely. 

“Jasper.” Lapis spun her away from the sink and embraced her. Now she was really crying,  _great_. She pressed her forehead against Lapis’ shoulder, before her tears were spotted, and held her back. Lapis didn’t comment on Jasper’s wet hands soaking the back of her shirt - she did, however, say something entirely unexpected.

“I want you to come with me.” 

“..What?” 

Lapis tugged Jasper away from her shoulder and put a hand on her cheek. She looked surprised, probably because of the crying. Jasper was an ugly crier, which was one of  _many_  reasons why she avoided it.

“Come with me.” 

What about her life  _there?_  Jasper didn’t speak, trying to decide what course of action to take. Lapis’ expression soured a little.

“..Unless. Youdon’t want to.” She stepped away. Jasper pulled her back. 

“ _I do_ , I do - just, what about my job?”

“You get another one. You’ve got good credentials.” 

“Peridot?” 

“She’ll still be your friend when you leave, and if she’s not, then it was never a friendship worth keeping.” 

Harsh. But was she wrong? Not really. Jasper liked her coworkers enough, and Peridot, but she liked all sorts of people that she could no longer see.

Granted, most of them were dead. 

Jasper had her doubts that the same thing applied to Lapis. There was long distance, but Jasper didn’t have a justifiable enough reason to stay in Keystone. Lapis was right. She could get another job, maybe even a better one. The only reason she came to Keystone in the first place was to be away from the hurricane wreckage. 

Jasper would adapt. She has before. She’ll always have to. 

“Okay.” 

 

*** 

 

When Jasper’s two week notice was up, her and Lapis packed what they had and got on a train to Granite. Jasper gave Peridot her television, which was only accepted because Jasper convinced her that she could experiment with it. 

Peridot didn’t ask why they were leaving, and told her that she wasn’t “bothered at all” by it. She didn’t see them off, only telling Jasper “goodbye” in the most formal way possible, the night prior. 

Lapis fell asleep on Jasper’s leg shortly after the train left the station. Feeling more secure now that Lapis wouldn’t notice, she pulled out a vodka filled water bottle and took a drink. 

It was going to be fine. Maybe she needed this too, and wouldn’t fully grasp it until she got there. She watched the pine tree littered landscape go by, only turning away when she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. A message from Peridot.

‘ _i saw the dent in the wall. and your hand. i’m not stupid._ ’ 

Jasper didn’t know what to say to that. She wasn’t  _hiding_  that she punched the wall, she just didn’t think it mattered. What picture did Peridot think she put together? 

‘ _I got mad, I hit the wall. So what?_ ’ 

The response was immediate.

‘ _is that the only thing you hit?_ ’ 

Now she understood. She wasn’t a fucking saint, but she wasn’t what Peridot was insinuating. Not to Lapis, anyway, and certainly not to  _her_. The implication was like a kick in the gut. So much for a friendship worth keeping.

‘ _Yes, it was._   _Fuck off._ ’ 

Jasper shut off her phone and drank until her bottle was empty. Cheers to new beginnings, then. Fuck everything she was leaving behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who don't know, Keystone = Pennsylvania. Granite = New Hampshire. 
> 
> I'm a bit sad that Peridot and Jasper's friendship was short lived. Peridot will be back, though, it just won't be the same. As for the estrogen mention, yes, Lapis is trans in this. Post op and everything. It's not something Lapis cares to discuss, but it'll become more relevant as the story continues. 
> 
> If anyone has questions, feel free to ask. 
> 
> Oh, Dan is short for "Danburite" because I think I'm funny sometimes.


	4. Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (( Happy New Year! ))
> 
> Basically, they're just being angsty, impulsive, and self destructive. I'll change the summary later.

Growing up, Lapis dreamed about having a world of her own. It was a planet far from Earth, sculpted to fit her preferences and only populated by those she deemed worthy enough to be there with her. She envisioned roaring oceans with whirlpools and prussian blue skies. Instead of there being large continents, there were island chains. 

Rather than inhabiting one of the islands, Lapis created a tower that rose from the sea, high enough for her to touch the clouds. She only permitted those she cared about the very most to live with her on the tower - once, long ago, she had friends who fit that description. Even more laughable, she had considered her  _mother_  an asset to her kingdom as well. 

They saw her as she wanted to be seen. There was no  _Ruri_. There was only Lapis Lazuli. 

As years went by, the population of her imaginary world declined drastically. She severed ties and kept potential friends at a distance. The waves in her oceans became more erratic, the clouds thickened until she and her tower were concealed. She was alone, but safe.

Lonely.

Even in its bleakest state, Lapis still wanted that world. If fate would have it so she couldn’t bring anyone with her, so be it. 

When visitors asked her where her interest in terraforming came from, she pushed this fantasy to the back of her mind and told them what she had trained herself to say: that it was essential for the human race to be able to transform planets into livable environments, should something catastrophic befall the Earth.

It wasn’t a  _total_ lie, but it certainly wasn’t what inspired her to stay up until dawn, doing experiments and jotting down her findings. It wasn’t what pushed her through years and years of school, graduating with honors. 

Lapis made a name for herself through this fixation of hers. A name she  _chose_.

That name was plastered throughout the little office the science center had provided for her. She had her degrees hung up on the walls, displayed proudly, thanks to the encouragement of her employers. On her desk, she had a name plate. On her chest, a name tag. Her coworkers couldn’t forget who she was if they tried. 

After closing down her computer, Lapis turned to look out the window. It was getting dark, despite it only being 5 in the afternoon. The nights were starting to get longer and colder.

She switched off the light and locked the door. Some of her coworkers invited her to go to a star party they were hosting in the park, but she had no energy left for socializing. Lapis spent part of her day trying to teach a rowdy group of 2nd graders about the planets, only for them to be far more invested in the color of her hair. One girl was kind enough to point out that her roots were showing.

The only child she had the patience for, she learned, was Steven. 

Before anyone spotted her and pressured her into attending their party, Lapis rushed to the parking garage and started her car, slipping off her shoes before pressing the petals. It sputtered as she drove away. 

Without traffic, the commute to her apartment would’ve been 15 minutes. It was approaching the 20 minute mark. Lapis groaned as every car ahead of her was moving at a snail’s pace. She wanted a cigarette. The nicotine patches weren’t doing shit. When she spotted a gas station, it took a considerable amount of restraint to keep her from pulling in to get a pack of Morleys. 

Jasper was there when she got home, doing wobbly sit ups as a rock song played from the radio. There were two empty glasses on the counter. 

“Hey.” Lapis set her bag down and laid on top of her. Jasper gave up on her sit ups, putting one arm around Lapis’ waist. Instead of looking down at her, Jasper stared up at the ceiling. 

“How was work?” 

“I hate children.” Lapis replied, slightly exaggerated. “They’re loud. I had a headache for hours.” 

“Still there?”

“A little.” Though that might also be due to withdrawal. She stroked Jasper’s cheek, barely resisting the urge to slap it after seeing how glassy her eyes were. “How was your day?” 

“Fine.” Jasper looked like she wanted to turn her head away, but chose not to

“Just fine?”

“The manager complimented me on my  _persuasiveness_. I’ve got a gift for pressuring people into buying refrigerators, I hope you’re proud.” By her tone, Lapis knew that Jasper was trying to be light hearted. Her expression, however, remained stoic. No cocky smile.

“What’s wrong.”

“Nothing.” Jasper sat up, taking Lapis with her. She kissed Lapis' forehead. She could smell the vodka. “My job just isn’t that exciting.” 

‘ _I liked my old job better,’_ Jasper was probably thinking. She’d deny it if Lapis asked, but she knew. Within the first month of living in Granite, Jasper started making herself Bloody Mary’s in the afternoon. It started as one glass only. But soon enough, one became two, and two became three. 

Jasper wasn’t a lightweight, but that was the problem. She’d keep drinking until it affected her. Until she thought that she was masking her misery well enough, maybe. Lapis tried not to think about it for too long. 

After stretching, Jasper got to her feet. 

“Hungry?” 

Lapis nodded, but she didn’t want Jasper to operate the stove. “I’ll order takeout.” 

They ate orange chicken and rice as Wheel of Fortune played on TV. For the most part they were silent, save for the few instances of Jasper ranting about a contestant’s stupidity for not getting the answer right away. Lapis wondered if she really cared, or if she was just filling the silence. 

After dinner, Lapis redyed her hair as Jasper cleaned the already near-immaculate apartment with another Bloody Mary in hand. Lapis scowled, irritated that she had sworn off cigarettes while Jasper abused her liver. Lapis would’ve kept smoking, had Jasper not expressed concern. If she wasn’t feeling guilty about the move, she would’ve called Jasper out the minute the drinking became excessive.

She stepped out of the shower with her hair once again a satisfying shade of blue. Before joining Jasper in their room, she washed down her pills with a grimace.

Jasper was lying on her side, looking at her hand as if she’d just realized that she had one. Lapis pushed her onto her back and held up three fingers.

“How many fingers am I holding up?” Jasper rolled her eyes.

“I’m fine.” 

“I didn’t ask you if you were fine. I asked you how many fingers I’m holding up.”

“..Three.” Lapis put her hand down and sighed, wracking her brain for something else to talk about. 

“I’m sure there will be new job openings soon. You’ll find something you’ll like better - maybe another gym?” 

Jasper made a noise in acknowledgment, but said nothing else. Lapis huffed. 

“ _What_ , Jasper.” Sometimes it was a hassle to get her to shut up, and now it was like pulling teeth getting her to speak at all. 

The silence lasted about a minute. Lapis was ready to push her when Jasper finally spoke.

“I’m sure a part of you cares, Lazuli, but you’re coming off real fake.” 

Heat rushed to Lapis’ face, infuriated. So much for trying to be positive. For trying to be _nice_ , for Jasper’s sake.  _Fine_. If that was how she was going to be, fuck it. 

“You know what?  _Fuck you_.” Lapis slid out of bed, but Jasper grabbed her arm and pulled her back before she made it out of her reach. Lapis squirmed in her embrace.

“That- that came out worse than I meant it to.” Jasper slurred. 

“Is there a  _nicer_  way to put it?” Lapis hit Jasper’s bicep with her fist, causing the other woman to wince, but not loosen her grip. She considered biting her. 

“I just don’t get it. You aren’t usually.. this way.” 

“What’s ‘this way’?  _Caring?_ ” Lapis was insulted, but wondered if she had the grounds to be. She’d be lying if she insisted that she was a warm and empathetic person. She’d be lying if she told herself that their relationship wasn’t suffering because of it.

If it ever _truly_ thrived at all.

Jasper finally let go and moved to the edge of the bed, facing away. For a second Lapis imagined Jasper’s fist punching through the drywall in front of her, like she had in Keystone. This wasn’t anger, though. At least, if she _was_ angry, it was successfully subdued by the alcohol. That might've been the idea.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Lapis couldn’t bring herself to scoff. She feared where this could be heading – a potential breakup. Another stretch of loneliness.

..Where did Lapis want this relationship to go, anyway? How long did she want it to last?

They’ve been together for awhile now, yet, didn’t know a whole lot about each other. They understood each other’s personalities, but Lapis didn’t know what caused Jasper to toss and turn at night. She didn’t know why she was homeless when they first met.  

And Jasper doesn’t know what happened to her. 

Perhaps they should let their demons out, just to have a proper meeting and see where that leads. They only skimmed the surface when they first saw each other in that bar, months ago. Asking questions, getting vague answers or none at all. 

Lapis decided she’d go first. 

“..I was locked in a room for ten days, then left on a beach to die. What about you?” It was strange to say it out loud, even though it wasn’t the first time she’s talked about it. 

Jasper didn’t answer, only turned to stare at her, clearly shocked. She opened her mouth, then closed it. She must have a lot of questions: why, where, who? Or even, why bring this up now? Lapis could tell her one or two, only wishing she knew the answer to all four. 

“..Who did it?” 

“Colleagues. I know that much.” Though she had suspicions. She tried to spark an investigation, but her mother promptly snuffed it out, not wanting to attract bad press to their agency.  _That_ should’ve killed whatever care she had for her mother that was left, yet some remained, like an itch that she’d never be rid of.

Jasper bit her lip, then looked down at her open palms. Lapis started to count the ticks from the clock. She reached 23 when Jasper spoke.

“I killed eighty people. ..At least, that was the estimate.”

Wait. What?  _Eighty_? 

She was aware that Jasper served in the military, so it wouldn’t have surprised her in the slightest if she mortally wounded a few people here and there. But.. eighty? A chill ran through her. She thought of the scar on Jasper’s hip.

Jasper didn’t relay that information with pride in her tone. Lapis wanted to know why she was responsible for so many deaths. Did it happen all at once, or one at a time? With what weapons?

She settled on one question.

“..Do you regret it?” 

Jasper scowled, answer quick and defensive. 

"No."

“Oh.”

She felt sweat form on the back of her neck. A part of her was screaming for her to _run_. _Run run run_. Another part, slightly louder: stay. Just for a little longer.

Normally, she wouldn’t stay. She packed her shit and bolted for the hills.

Maybe she could do both.

Lapis stood up and circled around to face Jasper, holding out her hand.

“Wanna get out of here?”

 

**

 

It was well past midnight when they left the apartment. Before leaving, Jasper reapplied her eyeliner and put her leather jacket over a grey tank top, while Lapis slipped into a black maxi dress, as if they were going anywhere extravagant. She coaxed Jasper into putting on red lipstick before pushing her out the door.

“So where are we going?” Jasper asked, holding Lapis’ hand. She shrugged. It was a cold night to not be wearing proper coats, and the heavy mist made the both of them damp.

“Fantastic,” Jasper sighed, but Lapis noticed her grin. 

They walked a ways before reaching the gas station Lapis passed earlier. It was the only brightly lit building on the block, open 24/7.  She rushed them across the street, and then inside.

“Pack of Morley’s, please.”

“ _Lapis_.” 

“It’s for _you_. _I’m_ going to have something to drink. We’re switching vices for the night.”

The guy on the other side of the counter gave them an uneasy glance, foot facing the power wall but not quite committing to unlocking it. Jasper sighed.

“This is so fucking stupid,” Jasper said as she took out her wallet. Lapis left for the liquor isle, looking for the fruitiest option, and came back with a hard lemonade and her ID.

“Have a good night,” the employee called as they walked out. It sounded like a question.

Lapis linked her arm with Jasper’s and kept going until they reached the edge of downtown. To their left was the golf course, getting doused by sprinklers. Without giving herself time to reconsider, she threw them both into the spray. Jasper yelped before falling to the ground.

“You’re fucking batshit, Lazuli!” Jasper gave her a death glare, but her smile offset it.

Lapis plopped down next to her and opened the can, taking a swig. She already felt her legs begin to tingle. She couldn’t imagine doing this every night.

“Alright, light em’ up.” She pointed at Jasper’s pocket.

“What if the water ruined them?”

“They’re wrapped in plastic, nice try. Come on, just one. I can have the rest of the pack, and you can have the rest of this.” She shook the can, causing some to spill onto her dress. Who cares.

Jasper rolled her eyes and retrieved a cigarette, while Lapis grabbed a lighter from her clutch. The both of them were completely soaked, so the little flame was a welcomed glimmer of warmth. Lapis moved closer, plastering herself to Jasper’s side.

As expected, Jasper had a coughing fit as she took her first drag. If she wasn’t so stubborn, she might’ve given up. She kept going until she got used to it, smoke coming from her nostrils and mouth when she exhaled. Lapis took another drink before kissing Jasper’s lips.

“You have something here,” Jasper smirked and poked at the edge of Lapis’ mouth. Lipstick.

“Well, get it off, then.”

Jasper kissed her, a counterproductive effort as most of the lipstick had transferred to her lips. Lapis swatted her, took another drink, then passed the can to the other woman before stealing a cigarette. It didn’t take long for Jasper to finish it off.

“We’re.. only doing this tonight, got it?”

“We’ll see.” Lapis pulled them both up and put her hands on Jasper’s shoulders. “Want to dance?”

She was spun around and dipped as a response.

A car alarm went off a block or two away, but otherwise it was eerily quiet. It dawned on her that they were trespassing, but she didn’t care enough to remedy that.

“ _Shit_ ,” her foot caught on Jasper’s absurdly large boot, and if she hadn’t been scooped up bridal style, she would’ve fallen flat on her face.

“God. You could break me in half if you wanted to.”

“Good thing I don’t want to then.” Jasper nuzzled her neck. She realized that saying that was probably unwise, given what she knew about her now. It _should_ be intimidating - in that moment, though, she felt oddly protected.  

Maybe that was unwise, too.

They swayed ungracefully to the music that played in their heads, occasionally humming out loud. She felt like they were in a watercolor painting. They weren’t solid and bold, but soft and fluid. Not apart of the real world anymore, but in one of their own.

..A world of their own. Watercolor paintings. She really couldn’t hold her liquor.

“What are you thinkin' about?” At some point they stopped dancing and just held onto each other. Jasper looked down at her with more intensity than she was prepared for. She blushed, not wanting to say. 

“..Your eyeliner is still on. How?”

“Waterproof.”

“Oh.” Of course it was.

Neither of them thought to grab their phones before heading out, so the time was a mystery. Lapis didn’t remember Jasper putting her jacket over her, or when they decided to lay down to stargaze. The bliss she felt earlier was starting to get infected with anxiety – Jasper was right, this should be the only night they did this. The stars, which normally made her happier than most things, depressed her a bit now. 

They didn’t speak for what seemed like a long time. Their hands were interlocked, but aside from that, they were spread a little ways apart. If it wasn’t for the cold, Lapis thought she could fall asleep like this.

“..I love you.”

Maybe she did fall asleep.

“..What?” Lapis propped herself on her elbow to look at Jasper. Her cheeks were red.

“I said I love you, Lapis.”

Instantly, she felt an ache in her chest. Like she had been punched rather than professed to. Before she let herself think or speak, she threw herself at Jasper, straddling her hips and kissing her roughly enough to make the other woman gasp. Lapis put all of her remaining energy into it, so much so that Jasper struggled to keep up.

She forced herself focus only on how she felt physically - how _Jasper_ felt, physically - fearing she’d ruin everything if she dwelled on anything else.

It was Jasper who finally pulled away, panting slightly, and Lapis couldn’t bring herself to look at her.

“..We should go. We’ll get sick if we stay out much longer.”

Lapis nodded, wondering if the soreness in her throat was due to nerves or an oncoming cold.

 

**

 

It was almost 4 in the morning when they made it home. Jasper made a beeline for the bed, while Lapis changed into dry clothes and went out to smoke another cigarette. She wished the guilt building at the pit of her stomach could be blown away like ashes in the wind, but like every negative emotion she had, it remained with her. 

She went to the bathroom to wash her hands, inevitably meeting her own gaze in the mirror. With the lipstick smeared all over her lips and a part of her cheek, she was reminded of a sulking party clown. Still, it took a bizarrely long time to convince herself to wash it away. 

From the bedroom, there was a whine. Jasper was dreaming - probably about something unpleasant. Lapis kept herself where she was.

She couldn’t avoid this. She avoided a lot of things, but this couldn't be one of them.

Jasper loved her. She wouldn’t have said so if it wasn’t true.

And Lapis said _nothing_. 

 _Fuck_. What would she have said? That she loved her back?

 _Did_ she love her back? How could she be sure of that? She didn't think she's ever loved anyone - not romantically, certainly. She jumped into this relationship without thinking about what she truly wanted out of it, only that she desperately wanted _something_ , and now it came to this.

With a frustrated sigh, Lapis shut the light off and left the bathroom. She stood over Jasper instead of lying beside her, studying her as if she was another science project rather than her girlfriend. 

They fought. A lot. She drank too much, she overworked herself, she could be a real jackass, she had trouble with boundaries, and was responsible for the deaths of eighty fucking people. And that was just _one_ secret uncovered. What else had she done in her 22 years on this wretched planet? 

Even so.. Lapis couldn’t deny that she was drawn to Jasper’s passion. She was fiercely driven, witty, surprisingly optimistic, and through it all so far, she stuck by Lapis even if it put her at a disadvantage. 

Despite Lapis’ flaws, Jasper stayed. She fell in love with her. 

Despite Jasper’s flaws.. she's found that she loved her, too. 

Lapis crawled into bed and held Jasper from behind. Perhaps she wasn't meant to be alone on her tower - _she_ was the person meant to be there with her. Jasper followed her lead so far, she’d follow her there too. They’d be isolated, but together. 

She imagined Jasper sitting at the top with her, touching the clouds, before she fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song "What The Water Gave Me" by Florence & The Machines, by the way. 
> 
> Basically this story will be like a life journey - how they meet, how their relationship progresses, etc. I've planned very far ahead, so let's see if I actually follow through.


End file.
